Things to read...

If time is short, I'd suggest reading at LEAST The Prologue and Legend of The Pinto Bean Posts!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Rocky meets Pimp Hand Strong

<---- Not PimpHand Strong, but a close cousin!

Well ladies and gentlemen, so far my blog seems to be a raging success. I'm getting several repeat viewers, and even a little feedback. At this rate surely there are bound to be people who DON'T personally know me reading, so I'm getting to be a happy guy. While donations aren't pouring in, positive feedback is, and that makes me happy, too! Well today, I received an interesting e-mail containing a donation of sorts. Apparently my tales or Rocky lore have reached some pet owners, and the owner of a local pet foods store wanted to donate food and treats for RTD. Who was I to say no! Anyhow, we exchanged a few e-mails, and I decided to head on up there. Right after Starbuck's.

Well we loaded Rockstar into the Bean, and headed out for today's adventures. As is becoming usual, the Bean ran like a champ, and before we knew it, we were knee deep in coffee goodness. We didn't even leave the characteristic black fog behind us anymore... Ahhhhh life is good. Well after downing some joe, and listening in on a random lady's conversation, I decided that the next stop would be the pet store. This was an easy decision to make, since as usual I didn't have much else going on.

Upon our arrival at the store, I unloaded Rockstar and he immediately set about attacking the leash. Now I have no idea where he picked up this little habit, but it gets old pretty fast... See what he does is to run from side to side, whilst attempting to chomp on the leash. This pretty much results in my stumbling over him about 637 times, and my hand becomes caked in Rocky Drool. Fortunately, it was a short walk across the parking lot, so this didn't last long. Once inside, we were greeted with a menagerie of foods. This was a virtual cornucopia of pet treat goodness. As far as the eye could see, about 45 feet, were all manner of tasty treats for dog and cat alike. Rocky was gonna love this. Rocky wasn't even paying attention.

We walked up to the gentleman at the counter, and asked is Mrs. Valerie was there. He informed us that in fact she was not, and we stood there looking awkwardly at each other. I then asked when she might be back, and he replied "Wednesday". I began to get a little worried. Surely no one would be so mean spirited as to set me up for some prank like this. I quickly listed in my mind possible suspects. It was a long list. So ok, SURELY no one would do this to Rockstar! Longer list. Dang. I then told him I'd been getting e-mails from Valerie inviting me to come let RTD sample the goods, and pick a few choice morsels for the trip. He then told me she was in Ohio. Uh-oh.

Anyhow, he then went in back, and after a few minutes returned with another lady. I was just about to implement escape plan nine-alpha and extricate myself from the building. Unfortunately, nine-alpha is a top level secret squirrel plan, so I can't reveal the plans publicly, but it's safe to say the casualties would have been immense, and it probably would have kept CNN busy for days, weeks if the news was slow. Well with the declaration of a state of emergency averted for now, I decided to see what the lady had to say. Happily, she greeted us by name, and my fears began to disappear like a buffet at fat camp. She explained that Valerie had let her know that we were coming, and that Rockstar was to be well equipped upon our departure. Rocky still wasn't paying attention. At least not to us...

It was at this time that Rocky finally got close enough to his new found friend, Pimp Hand Strong (aka Kitty, but PHS is much more fitting!). See, RTD LOVES small animals. At home I have two ferrets, Sampson and Snatch. Never in the history of ferrets have there been two more conniving and cunning little creatures. In this relationship, Sampson is the Brawn, Snatch is the Brains, and Rocky is the gullible Mark. The moment they get out of their cage, excitement begins. They usually spend the first two or three minutes rounding up all of Rocky's toys and hiding them. Rocky usually realizes this, and tries to save at least one by holding it in his mouth. This never lasts long. Once all the other toys have been cleaned up, they set their sights on His Precious. Generally the plan is for Sampson to harass Rocky until he drops it, at which point Snatch will run out and grab the toy and disappear. I honestly think I can hear the sweet sounds of ferret laughter over the slow sobs of Rockstar. Yes, two pounds of fury will quickly overcome sixty pounds of ignorance. Anyhow, with all the toys safely stowed away, the game changes. This is the part Rocky likes...

See, Rockstar and the ferrets like to play chase. This involves one or the other of the ferrets sneaking up behind Rocky, chomping on his his hind end, and then rapidly running for the nearest cover... Once Rocky realizes the ferrets have just made him their b***h, he will quickly retaliate. This involves him chasing down the offending Mustelid, and slobbering all over him. Once the slobber has been suitably applied, RTD will the turn and run off. The ferrets will then usually give chase. This game lasts for about seven hours in Ferret Time, or about five minutes to the rest of the world. Ahhh the wonders of ADD... Sadly, RTD is often left wanting more tag time, and I am usually left holding two drool covered animals. Amazing how I have but one hand, and now no one who reads this will ever shake it for fear of drool. Probably a wise choice.

Well back to the pet food store... Apparently Rocky made target acquisition and lock the moment we set foot inside, and I as usual failed to notice. Rocky anxiously bided his time, waiting until we were close enough to make acquaintances. Pimp Hand Strong apparently sat there quietly hoping not to be noticed. Anyhow, as soon as Rockstar was in lunging distance, he took his chance to make a new friend. He quickly generated no less than 2.6 gallons of friend-making drool, and prepared to introduce himself. It was at this time the PHS taught Rocky the origin of his name... Rocky leaned in to kiss, and Pimp Hand let loose with the fury of a thousand suns. The action was fast, the noise unreal, and the nose quickly bloodied. Rockstar reeled backwards as Mr. Strong set up for a few more slaps. What Rockstar failed to know was that not EVERY small animal in the world wants to be his friend. Or covered in drool. It didn't take long for Rocky to learn this lesson. By not long, I mean he spent the rest of the trip attempting to get back within drool range of Pimp Hand, who spent the rest of the time counting his benjamins (Benji's?) and giving RTD the evil eye.

Well after this incident, we set about trying to find some food RTD would eat. Sadly, his small mind was too focused on PHS to even consider food, and the kibble was left dry, the ginger snaps untouched, and I'm not even gonna think about the three foot long dried up Bull Penis we saw. Ahhhh the feelings of inadequacy... Well we made several selections for treats, picked up 40 lbs of Canidae, a new squeaky toy, and finally a "My Dog is my Co-pilot" bumper sticker, and prepared to head to the door. While all this was going on, Rocky attempted to befriend several customers, and generally destroy the place. I've never seen a bull in a china shop, but I've seen a retarded boxer in a pet food store, and I can tell you it's NOT PRETTY! Well finally, we took a few pics for them, and headed back home to work on the Bean.

Needless to say, more hilarity ensued.... Since time is short, I'll just give a brief synopsis of the lessons learned:
  1. Metal parts of the engine can be hot. Very Hot. After burning my thumb on the hot side of the air conditioner line, I jumped around like a small child on an anthill.
  2. Tint and metal hooks will never be friends. Need I say more. While attempting to install my privacy tint on the back window I gouged it up pretty badly. Then I tried to fix it. Even more badly...
  3. Beer and mechanics don't go together, but they make it a lot more fun... After my middle manager DoorMatt put the lower radiator hose back on, it now leaks. Badly. Bad DoorMatt! Bad!

Anyhow, I know you were all anxiously awaiting another "Daniel's too stupid to read directions, and he SERIOUSLY wants to be a doctor??!!" post but Pimp Hand stepped/slashed in and changed our lives forever! Maybe that story will go up another day...

I'd also like to extend a special thanks to Natural Pet Supply, and Mrs. Valerie Whaley and the other employees therein. Rocky will now eat the ginger snaps and kibble. Still no word on the Bull Penis.

Stay tuned next time for more tales of forgetfulness by the future of medicine (future title of "Hey Where'd the Retractor Go??")

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