A look through Rockstar's Eyes...

Well everybody, I've successfully made it to DC, and lemme tell ya, the drive is nothing short of beautiful, as I've alluded to in previous posts... I'm staying with a good friend from flight school, so there will be no tales of torment in The Bean. I'm going to try to see my grandfather's burial spot here at Arlington, so expect a possible story about that in the future. I also hope to see some of the historic landmarks, and maybe go ring the doorbell and run over at the White House. I mean, I dunno, it could happen. You may want to monitor CNN for that update though... Anyhow, in lieu of great travel stories, I thought maybe I'd attempt to see the trip from RTD's eyes. While I realize that in real like it would be something like "lalalalalalalaYAYYYTRUCKlalaaaaYAYYYYFOODlalalalaNOOOOPIMPHANDRUNAWAYlalalala" I'll attempt to wizen him up a bit for the story's sake. That being said, for those who are tuning in now, you may want to go back and read the Rocky posts.

Before I start the story though, I feel I should give you a little more insight as to "Who Rocky Is". You know, what he stands for, the kinda dog he "is". Rocky is a night dog. When I have to wake up early, he looks at me like I just suggested parachuteless skydiving. Usually one eye is still closed, and he'll roll over and go back to sleep. Rocky is also defiant. VERY defiant. He doesn't like being told what to do. Ever. He also loves to "fight". This involves him attacking while sounding like he's out for blood, but instead of biting, he rolls his lips over his teeth, and doesn't clamp down. Yes, this does in fact result in being covered in drool. Rocky also "makes his bed". I've given him a few pillows, an old comforter, and a throw rug size afghan on which he sleeps. Every night before bed he'll go over and drag, push, pull and rearrange them until they are PERFECT. He'll even get under the covers to rearrange it before he's satisfied. then and only then will he go to bed. If you reach over and jumble it all up, he'll look at you like you are crazy, and then just leave the room. Later he'll come back to do it all again. yeah, Rocky spends a lot of time looking at me like I'm crazy. Finally, Rockstar LOVES the Bean. He loves it with all his doggy heart. Even when I'm not doing anything with it, he'll go sit in it, and look hopeful. The only other thing that comes close to being that loved is whatever toy is newest. See, Rocky is a toy snob. If you get him two toys, and give him one now, and one a few hours later, the first one will cease to exist to Rocky. Well now that you all have a little better insight into his world, let's look at the last few days through his eyes.

I wonder what's going on now? Usually this one-armed guy isn't home this much. I hope he leaves so I can chew on something. Been eyeing that tasty looking physiology book for a while. Hmmm.... looks like he's... yessss... ohh yeaahhh he's heading to the truck!! yayyyyyyy Guess that book will have to wait until later! I wonder where we're going? I hope it's fun! Maybe I can pee on stuff there.

(Short truck ride later)

OMG! Yes!! We really are here! It's that place where all my friends are! I sure hope Frank is here today, he's got the best bark. Yeah between the two of us we can make sure no one sleeps!! Ever! Hmmm... what's this? A chair it seems... what's dummy doing? Not looking? Sweet! Time to pee! OUCH! Dangit how does he know when I'm working my magic. Loser. I'm so gonna bite him one day.... I'll be he thinks we're only playing when we fight. Doesn't even know I'm scoping out his moves... One day... One day...

Dangit! Guess I'm not going down the Hall of Infinite Possibilities today... Sorry Frank. Wonder what this woman wants? I don't see any food... (poke poke check check) hmm... that's not to bad. HEY! What are you doing back there?! (SQUEEEEEZE) DANGIT! I needed that! Man that's gonna take a week at least to build back up. Guess I won't be able to drop my midnight bombs for a while... : ( Hey look another woman!! Yayyyy.... wonder if she's here to play (shot, shot, shot) oh well, guess not...lalalalala... Whoa what's this? My mouth? No friggin way lady, not gonna happen! Must.... resist.... banana....goodness.... dangit. Yea if there weren't three of them I'd have shown them who's boss! Whaaa? Time to go? Yayyyyyyyy Truck!!!

(the next day...)

Wow this place is a madhouse! No one's paying attention to me! :( I think I'll go roam the neighborhooYANK! Dangit! Stuck on the line again! That's it, that book is toast next time I get back inside... I can HEAR that truck, and I'm not in it. If only I could be in it all the time! Talk about a dream come true.... Only if... only if....

(the day the trip started...)

Man this guy has been acting CAARAAAZZZYYYY. He's running around like I was after I got all that fudge off the table... man that was a good time. I'm not letting this guy outta my sight, something is definitely up... Wait what's that? the truck? Why yes, yes I would like to get in, thank you! Hmmm now THIS is different, my toys are in here, and is that food? Yes, yes it is? Wonder why that is? Oh well, who am I to question! I hope this ride is at least an hour, not like all those short rides. Maybe we'll drive by Fido's house. He always gets sooooo jealous when he sees me hanging out in the back of this thing. (Time passes) Man this trip is long! My prayers are answered! Wait hold on.... I wonder if maybe? No! He'd never ditch me! I didn't MEAN to eat that physiology book, it was an accident. I swear, it just landed in my mouth! Actually I think the ferrets might have been involved, too. Maybe if I sit here and act real good he'll keep me. or at least give me to someone with cats.... mmmmmmmm cats......




Well now THIS is strange. I think maybe my pet human has gone senile. We've been in this truck alllll daaayyyyyyy and now we're done and this isn't home at all! Maybe he forgot where he lives? Wait hold on, is he, yes? Yes? He's sleeping in here? Cool! We can sleep together... there we go I'll just lie down right her...OWWW ok maybe not so much. I didn't really want to sleep there anyhow, stupid air mattress... And what's all these strange noises?? I don't think this guy hears them. I better bark to make sure he does. (BARKBARKBARKOWWWWBARKBARKOWWW) fine then deal with the noises yourself, I'm going to bed. Shame I can't muster up a little eau d'rearend for ya... Maybe next time!

Well everyone, I hope you enjoyed what I think MIGHT be going on in Rockstar's head, at least based on the looks I get from him. Until next time!!

Next time, I hope to have some pics and stories of our nation's capitol, so stay tuned!! Remember, Monday is 98 Rock day!

Rocky meets Pimp Hand Strong

<---- Not PimpHand Strong, but a close cousin!

Well ladies and gentlemen, so far my blog seems to be a raging success. I'm getting several repeat viewers, and even a little feedback. At this rate surely there are bound to be people who DON'T personally know me reading, so I'm getting to be a happy guy. While donations aren't pouring in, positive feedback is, and that makes me happy, too! Well today, I received an interesting e-mail containing a donation of sorts. Apparently my tales or Rocky lore have reached some pet owners, and the owner of a local pet foods store wanted to donate food and treats for RTD. Who was I to say no! Anyhow, we exchanged a few e-mails, and I decided to head on up there. Right after Starbuck's.

Well we loaded Rockstar into the Bean, and headed out for today's adventures. As is becoming usual, the Bean ran like a champ, and before we knew it, we were knee deep in coffee goodness. We didn't even leave the characteristic black fog behind us anymore... Ahhhhh life is good. Well after downing some joe, and listening in on a random lady's conversation, I decided that the next stop would be the pet store. This was an easy decision to make, since as usual I didn't have much else going on.

Upon our arrival at the store, I unloaded Rockstar and he immediately set about attacking the leash. Now I have no idea where he picked up this little habit, but it gets old pretty fast... See what he does is to run from side to side, whilst attempting to chomp on the leash. This pretty much results in my stumbling over him about 637 times, and my hand becomes caked in Rocky Drool. Fortunately, it was a short walk across the parking lot, so this didn't last long. Once inside, we were greeted with a menagerie of foods. This was a virtual cornucopia of pet treat goodness. As far as the eye could see, about 45 feet, were all manner of tasty treats for dog and cat alike. Rocky was gonna love this. Rocky wasn't even paying attention.

We walked up to the gentleman at the counter, and asked is Mrs. Valerie was there. He informed us that in fact she was not, and we stood there looking awkwardly at each other. I then asked when she might be back, and he replied "Wednesday". I began to get a little worried. Surely no one would be so mean spirited as to set me up for some prank like this. I quickly listed in my mind possible suspects. It was a long list. So ok, SURELY no one would do this to Rockstar! Longer list. Dang. I then told him I'd been getting e-mails from Valerie inviting me to come let RTD sample the goods, and pick a few choice morsels for the trip. He then told me she was in Ohio. Uh-oh.

Anyhow, he then went in back, and after a few minutes returned with another lady. I was just about to implement escape plan nine-alpha and extricate myself from the building. Unfortunately, nine-alpha is a top level secret squirrel plan, so I can't reveal the plans publicly, but it's safe to say the casualties would have been immense, and it probably would have kept CNN busy for days, weeks if the news was slow. Well with the declaration of a state of emergency averted for now, I decided to see what the lady had to say. Happily, she greeted us by name, and my fears began to disappear like a buffet at fat camp. She explained that Valerie had let her know that we were coming, and that Rockstar was to be well equipped upon our departure. Rocky still wasn't paying attention. At least not to us...

It was at this time that Rocky finally got close enough to his new found friend, Pimp Hand Strong (aka Kitty, but PHS is much more fitting!). See, RTD LOVES small animals. At home I have two ferrets, Sampson and Snatch. Never in the history of ferrets have there been two more conniving and cunning little creatures. In this relationship, Sampson is the Brawn, Snatch is the Brains, and Rocky is the gullible Mark. The moment they get out of their cage, excitement begins. They usually spend the first two or three minutes rounding up all of Rocky's toys and hiding them. Rocky usually realizes this, and tries to save at least one by holding it in his mouth. This never lasts long. Once all the other toys have been cleaned up, they set their sights on His Precious. Generally the plan is for Sampson to harass Rocky until he drops it, at which point Snatch will run out and grab the toy and disappear. I honestly think I can hear the sweet sounds of ferret laughter over the slow sobs of Rockstar. Yes, two pounds of fury will quickly overcome sixty pounds of ignorance. Anyhow, with all the toys safely stowed away, the game changes. This is the part Rocky likes...

See, Rockstar and the ferrets like to play chase. This involves one or the other of the ferrets sneaking up behind Rocky, chomping on his his hind end, and then rapidly running for the nearest cover... Once Rocky realizes the ferrets have just made him their b***h, he will quickly retaliate. This involves him chasing down the offending Mustelid, and slobbering all over him. Once the slobber has been suitably applied, RTD will the turn and run off. The ferrets will then usually give chase. This game lasts for about seven hours in Ferret Time, or about five minutes to the rest of the world. Ahhh the wonders of ADD... Sadly, RTD is often left wanting more tag time, and I am usually left holding two drool covered animals. Amazing how I have but one hand, and now no one who reads this will ever shake it for fear of drool. Probably a wise choice.

Well back to the pet food store... Apparently Rocky made target acquisition and lock the moment we set foot inside, and I as usual failed to notice. Rocky anxiously bided his time, waiting until we were close enough to make acquaintances. Pimp Hand Strong apparently sat there quietly hoping not to be noticed. Anyhow, as soon as Rockstar was in lunging distance, he took his chance to make a new friend. He quickly generated no less than 2.6 gallons of friend-making drool, and prepared to introduce himself. It was at this time the PHS taught Rocky the origin of his name... Rocky leaned in to kiss, and Pimp Hand let loose with the fury of a thousand suns. The action was fast, the noise unreal, and the nose quickly bloodied. Rockstar reeled backwards as Mr. Strong set up for a few more slaps. What Rockstar failed to know was that not EVERY small animal in the world wants to be his friend. Or covered in drool. It didn't take long for Rocky to learn this lesson. By not long, I mean he spent the rest of the trip attempting to get back within drool range of Pimp Hand, who spent the rest of the time counting his benjamins (Benji's?) and giving RTD the evil eye.

Well after this incident, we set about trying to find some food RTD would eat. Sadly, his small mind was too focused on PHS to even consider food, and the kibble was left dry, the ginger snaps untouched, and I'm not even gonna think about the three foot long dried up Bull Penis we saw. Ahhhh the feelings of inadequacy... Well we made several selections for treats, picked up 40 lbs of Canidae, a new squeaky toy, and finally a "My Dog is my Co-pilot" bumper sticker, and prepared to head to the door. While all this was going on, Rocky attempted to befriend several customers, and generally destroy the place. I've never seen a bull in a china shop, but I've seen a retarded boxer in a pet food store, and I can tell you it's NOT PRETTY! Well finally, we took a few pics for them, and headed back home to work on the Bean.

Needless to say, more hilarity ensued.... Since time is short, I'll just give a brief synopsis of the lessons learned:

1. Metal parts of the engine can be hot. Very Hot. After burning my thumb on the hot side of the air conditioner line, I jumped around like a small child on an anthill.
2. Tint and metal hooks will never be friends. Need I say more. While attempting to install my privacy tint on the back window I gouged it up pretty badly. Then I tried to fix it. Even more badly...
3. Beer and mechanics don't go together, but they make it a lot more fun... After my middle manager DoorMatt put the lower radiator hose back on, it now leaks. Badly. Bad DoorMatt! Bad!

Anyhow, I know you were all anxiously awaiting another "Daniel's too stupid to read directions, and he SERIOUSLY wants to be a doctor??!!" post but Pimp Hand stepped/slashed in and changed our lives forever! Maybe that story will go up another day...

I'd also like to extend a special thanks to Natural Pet Supply, and Mrs. Valerie Whaley and the other employees therein. Rocky will now eat the ginger snaps and kibble. Still no word on the Bull Penis.

Stay tuned next time for more tales of forgetfulness by the future of medicine (future title of "Hey Where'd the Retractor Go??")