Why I'll be headed to Lowe's...

While on my trip this summer I had the opportunity to use some friend’s front loading washer and dryer to clean my stuff. Aside from looking ultra spiffy in their laundry room, these things performed miracles upon my clothing. My clothes were all noticeably softer, and my socks felt downright new. I was so amazed I kept a pair and a shirt separate just so I could check when I got home. We’ve all seen the commercial with the little bear talking about softness right? Well that bear ain’t got anything on this softness. These things were like laundry crack. Everything else felt like sandpaper after that. I was hooked. I knew I needed them. Prone to irrationality, poor decision making, and impulse buys, I headed down to that place where everybody knows my name; Home Depot.

At the Depot, I headed straight for the washer/dryer section. I knew where this was as I practically lived there last summer whilst pretending to be Bob Villa and destroying, I mean remodeling, my humble abode. At least this time there was no risk of screwing me to something, an event responsible for numerous holes in my old prosthetic arm. Yes I really did drill into it. Several times. Anyhow, I quickly narrowed down my choices by utilizing the tried and true “what’s cheap and on sale?” method and pestered the salesman with 9048673256 questions about the amazingness of the chosen appliances. A few minutes later I was the proud new owner of the miracle worker front loaders, water into wine option still unavailable. I opted to have the Depot install them as it was cheap, and given that I could screw up making ice in Antarctica, it seemed like the safest bet. I mean, what could go wrong? Really… This is the story of what could go wrong, in the form of my angry letter to the Depot.

On 28 August 2008 two guys from Home Depot (Chris and an unnamed employee) came out to stack my washer and dryer after Jim from the appliance section forgot to install the stack kit. Approximately six hours after they had left, I came downstairs to find my garage/basement flooded. Assuming that the lines were improperly hooked up I mopped up the water and checked all the fittings, congratulating myself on a job well done. The next morning I found even more water on the ground and no evidence of leaky fittings. I called Home Depot about 9 a.m. to inform them that the sewage line out of my house was now leaking adjacent to the washer and dryer. I was assured someone would immediately get out to fix it. Finally at about 3 p.m. Chris and another employee came out to fix the issue. So much for immediately. Unable to resolve the problem, they tried a quick fix on the sewage pipe and informed me that no plumbers were available since it was Labor Day weekend. Apparently I was going to enjoy raw sewage throughout my garage for my labor day. I was assured that a plumber would be there on Wednesday at the latest, but most likely on Tuesday. I spent the weekend mopping 6-7 times a day…

Wednesday came and I stayed home to make sure I didn’t miss the plumber. Finally at 4pm I called HD again to talk to Chris and was informed that he didn’t remember saying that they’d be there by Wednesday but in any event they would DEFINITELY be there Thursday. I spent Thursday at home enjoying my sewage pool and waiting on the plumber. Again late that afternoon I called Chris and was told that there had been “a water heater emergency and that it took priority.” Apparently raw sewage isn’t nearly as bad as cold water. Strange that in my training here in medical school we learn the bugs like C. difficile and E. coli can be bad for you. Let’s not even think about Black Mold. Anyhow, I was assured that no matter what, it WOULD be fixed by Friday. Now remember, this is over a week after the leak started. The sewage leak. As in feces, urine etc. sewage. Well finally Friday came around and I excitedly anticipated the arrival of the plumber. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. Friday afternoon I called back to Home Depot and talked to the “manager on duty.” She promised that she would get this resolved as fast as possible. I gleefully continued to mop fetid water out of my garage…
Amazingly, within an hour, a real live plumber called me. Apparently he had just been called by HD about this. Yes, eight days later and after numerous promises, HD finally called the plumber. Now this seems a little odd since he supposedly has known about this for a week now. Well he again informed me that there was no way possible he could make it on the weekend, but he promised to be here between nine and eleven on Monday. Finally, the sewage crisis was going to be fixed. Oddly enough, I’ve now developed a chronic headache and sores on the inside of my nose. I wonder if it has anything to do with the stagnant water in my house? Well I must also say that the one upside is that detritus has filled some of the leak by now, so I don’t have to mop as often…

Well Monday, twelve days after the first leak, arrives and I get up early to make sure I don’t miss the plumber. I check the leak, which is now relatively small, but still present. I then park my rear on the couch and watch the clock. At precisely 10:58 the phone rings… It’s the plumber… He tells me he probably won’t make it out. I remind him he SWORE he would be here before eleven, and explain that this is the third day of school I’ve missed. He somehow has forgotten he ever promised to be here before eleven, so I ask my roommate if he remembers this. He does. Finally the plumber professes that he can be here no later than five p.m. and we’ll have it fixed tonight, no matter what. By this time I pretty much understand this to mean “you’ll not see me at all today, and probably not tomorrow, either.” Therefore I’m hardly surprised when five rolls by with nary a phone call. Finally, at 6:01 p.m. I collect my mold spore addled senses enough to call the Home Depot corporate line. I explain to Mr. Ceary my predicament with the sewage, and also mention that I spent over $30,000 last year at Home Depot. Yes, I used the last of my insurance money from losing my arm to renovate my house, purchasing nearly all my supplies through HD. While I realize that to Home Depot 30K isn’t much, to me it represented and arm and a leg… Well at least an arm. Ceary puts me on hold a few times while attempting to remedy the situation. Finally he comes back and explains that the people who handle these matters are gone for the day. He tells me he will continue to work on it and swears to have it resolved in 24-48 hours. At this point he might as well promise to get it done using pipes manufactured by leprechauns and hauled to my house on unicorns, as I would believe that just as much as 24-48 hours. Sadly, my house now has a distinct “fecal smell” which I think might have something to do with the pipe in my basement. I also think this will be the last time I EVER shop at Home Depot. To me thirteen days of sewage leaking while vehemently promising its’ repair does not constitute customer service no matter how you stretch it. I guess tomorrow I will contact my insurance company and a lawyer to see what can be done about this. Until then, I’ll make do mopping up the putrid water, minimal as it may be, still leaking into my basement.

Well after a couple more days of waiting and never hearing back from the elusive “Mr. Ceary” I decide that yet again I’ve been bamboozled, and head down to the Depot. Now I’m angry. While I may have but one arm, the other one end in stainless steel hook, attached to a formidable sized torso. You don’t want to see me angry. You won’t like me… when… I’m… annggggry. GRRRRRR!!!! Ok so maybe I’m not quite the Incredible Hulk, but I’m damned sure the One Armed Man. Well at the depot, I proceed to inform the managers there of just how much they suck, and how much it’s about to suck more if I don’t get this fixed NOW. They quickly call the plumber who lies and says he’s TRIED to call me with no luck. I offer to show them my phone call list for the last week. They decline. Finally they say he can be there the next day at four p.m. I agree to this, replying with something like “so help me God, if he isn’t there by 4:00:00000000000001, I will unleash Hell. Gangs of your pipe wielding leprechauns and unicorns with whistle tips (woo woo) will be no match for the destruction I will cause. You will need to build another home Depot next door just to supply the building materials to rebuild this one by the time my anger has subsided!” At least that’s how I remember it…

Well the next day the plumber actually arrives, and I nearly go into cardiac arrest. A mere two weeks later and this is gonna get fixed. He then tells me he didn’t bring the right part. GRRRRRRR…. I think the expression on my face inspired him to go get the right part, as he quickly left and returned with what he needed. Ultimately he managed to fix it, which pleased me to no end. He also got quite the scare when BTD and RTD managed to push a cinder block out of a seven foot high window frame so they could see into the garage. Sometimes, justice is small but welcome. Even if it is in the form of exploding bricks.

Meet 'Bella the Demanding

Well I've finished the first couple of tests of medical school and I now have a good seventeen seconds or so with which to type a new story. Unfortunately for those who've anxiously awaited news about Alaska, that's not what it's gonna be about. Nooooo not at all... See here at Casa de Daniel life moves at a pace somewhere just faster than gossip out of Hollywood, and Alaska is far from my mind. What is close to my mind, other than school of course, is the new addition to the household. At the end of the summer that consisted of five members. There was: me the high strung and overly excitable peabrained amputee. Stu, my beer making, low strung, uber-mellow yet still a medical student roomate. The ever lovable yet not so bright and somewhat confused Hyperdog Rocky, and finally the diabolical and evil incarnate ferrets, Samson and Snatch. Now the number crunchers out there will immediately notice that all the pets are mine, and my roomie has nothing. Well that was all to change... This is the story of that change.

When I first got back from my trip this summer I had heard that my roommate wanted to get a dog. While I had no problem with that I knew that two dogs in the house all day would be a bad idea. Fortunately this is easily solved by putting them all outside. Unfortunately the only thing that was outside was the dog run for Rocky. I figured putting two dogs on one dog run would be a horrible idea. Visions of doggy bondage danced in my head... After talking to my roommate we decided that we would split and the cost of a fence. This didn't seem like to big of a problem, but you also have to realize that we live in the Johnson City area. Let me take a moment to explain what I mean...

See, here in Johnson City there is an attitude that prevails 99.9999% of the time when dealig with any sort of subcontractor. The attitude is along the lines of "I'll do it when I FEEL like doing it and you'll be good and glad that I FELT like doing it." This can be slightly annoying, but apparently business here is so booming that there is little one can do to thwart it. Anyhow, I called the fence guys and they agreed to come out the next day and give me an estimate. By next day, they mean "sometime in the future, but definitely NOT tomorrow." I was hardly surprised when three days later they showed up to get the estimate. While they were here I shamelessly mentioned the whole disabled veteran thing in the hopes I might get a little discount... I think I did, though I prefer to look at it as more of a "lower on the priority list" sale. That all said, we agreed on the price and they promised to get started on it no later than the end of the week.

Well since we knew that we'd have a fence in a matter of days, Stu went out and found his new dog. While I myself wasn't a part of the selection process, I can imagine it went something along the lines of "yeah, I'll take her..." Well with his selection made and the Rocky dry hump of approval stampesd on her back, Stuart and his new charge came home. Stuart was now the proud new owner of a mixed breed bundle of energy.... She was about six months old, golden in color and short in hair. She was loveable as can be, and smart in all the ways that counted. She was wrongly named. Apparently somehow Stuart decided she looked or acted a lot like an "Isabella" might. Apparently he settled on this name because the National Hurricane Center already had dibs on "Katrina" which was much more suited to her personality. Either which way, she was home, and home was enjoying its' last moments before hurricane Isabella rolled into town...

Now I must admit that 'Bella, as she has become known, is a decent dog. The decency all ends, however, the moment you allow her out of your sight. For now though, let's focus on when she IS in sight. Firstly, I've taken to referring to 'Bella as"I WANT!" This is in reference to the fact that no matter what the case, whatever RTD has, she wants. If he has a bone, she wants the bone. Not A bone, THAT bone. Initially she would trot on over and bark at Rocky until he dropped it. Rocky, being the genius he is, caught on to that after about the 84678983th time she did it. Once I WANT! figured out that merely barking no longer worked, she quickly came up with a new ploy. She now will go and grab one of RTD's favorite toys and carry it to him to play with. Rocky, a kid at heart (and brain) will then drop said bone to play with Bella. Bella then takes the bone, leaving a bewildered RTD in her wake. Sadly, he has yet to catch on to this trick, and it doesn't look like he will soon. This also works for any other toy, stick, ball, etc that Rocky might have taken a liking to.

Now when Bella isn't stealing Rocky's wares, she's usually playing with him directly. This he loves. They will play chase for hours. Rockstar will chase Bella until Bella collapses, and then he'll bug her until she plays some more. Never in my LIFE have I seen an adult dog wear out a puppy before this. Another past time is 'rasslin' which sadly has become the most entertaining thing in out household. Rocky's general approach to this it to lie on his back and allow Bella to jump all over him. We've noticed that RTD oftentimes will be lying on a toy while wrestling Bella, and we've decided that he has managed to achieve doggy nirvana by simultaneously playing with Bella and scratching his back. Maybe RTD isn't as dumb as he looks... Ok that may be stretching it.

Well back to hurricane Bella... When she gets out of sight, nothing is safe. Well nothing except a chew toy, which seem to be immune to her destructive fury. She so far has destroyed enough hi-liters to raise their stock price, ripped apart several boxes, gnawed on a few shoes, and turned my expensive and well-taken care of Ray-Bans into a gnarled mess. I should also mention she passed on several Wal-mart brand pairs of glasses to get these off the table. Not only is she destructive, she's a snob. the only thing Bella has found so far that she didn't enjoy chewing on were the ferrets. When she finally attempted to get a mouthful of tasty mustelid, she ended up becoming just another chew toy on the ferret menu. Sometimes size doesn't help...

So now here we are two weeks later.... The fence has finally been finished a mere fourteen days later than promised, and Bella's reign of terror over the tasty objects of the house has come to an end. I wish I could get some video of her and RTD kickin' butt all over the house, but everytime the camera comes out Bella comes over to see if it is a tasty treat... Until next time!